I Couldn't
by DataLatitude
Summary: Jennifer said she just COULDN'T tell him the truth. Well, if she "couldn't" have told him the truth, Dr. Spencer Reid was not willing to tell her the truth. He just couldn't. Rated T for drug use. No pairings/slash. Reid-Centric.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This isn't my first time writing. I simply made a new account because I didn't like my past fanfics. Others liked them, so I won't delete them... I just wanted a fresh start. I wanted to write something, but I still have no idea where this will lead, so I am kind of forcing myself out of writer's block. I hope this turns out good, whatever it may be, oneshot, multific. It depends on you. **

"_You couldn't or you wouldn't?" Reid asked with hate in every single vowel in the sentence._

"_I couldn't," Jennifer Jareau emphasized yet again. She had been trying to explain why she had to. She knew why he was angry, but still... it was her job. Every waking moment he'd cry. Every tear, she wished dearly to tell him. It couldn't happen though. A friend's life was at stake, and it would have to wait until it was all over. _

"_What if I started taking Dilaudid again, would you have let me?" Reid could hardly believe he had said it. The whole team was listening over their conversation. He'd hoped, at a longshot, they hadn't heard those words come out. He couldn't help it though. He wanted to blame everything on her. She was the person he ran to every day for ten weeks. He TRUSTED her... and that was long gone. He'd wondered if the rest of them knew the entire time too. Paranoia has gotten the better of him, and he'd decided when Emily had returned not to ever trust them again. _

"_You didn't..." She hesitated, words finally sinking in. Had he considered it? She realized then what a toll it took on him. He'd almost thrown his life away, his five years sober, all because of the lie she was forced to tell._

"_Yeah, well I thought about it."_

"_I'm sorry," JJ said whole-heartedly. She was sorry, but in all honesty, he was being overly sensitive about it. Another part of her reminded her he actually mourned Emily's death, while she knew. It was hard lying about it, but at least she knew Emily was alive._

"_It's too late, alright?" Reid said, obviously tired of talking about it. She didn't think any more of the conversation. She had a job to do, and pushing the buttons in her head, wondering if he was still thinking about using, did not help the murders stop._

Reid thought back to their little argument. He regretted mentioning his cravings, especially when the rest of the team probably heard the whole thing, but he couldn't help it. He was angry and wanted her to know how he truly felt and how it had hurt him. It was her fault anyways. Why couldn't she trust him? Why could she know and he couldn't? Was he any less of a team member, or family member, than her? With that angry thought, he sat in his bed, feeling the want... need, whatever it was, for the drug. The cravings got worse since she returned. He figured they'd slowly move back to that corner in his head he usually didn't think about, but it had gotten worse.

He was betrayed, and felt every ounce of the word in his heart. It filled him with rage and depression. Why was he even feeling bad about what he said? He'd been lied to? He has every right to do what he wants. It was the reason he stopped using Dilaudid. It was because of them. They gave him a reason to care. With that small epiphany, he reached back to the drawer he still kept it in.

Holding it for the first time since the case in Texas with Owen Savvage. Instead of seeing the "rest of the movie," he had bought a vial for the road, just in case he wasn't strong enough. Granted, he hadn't taken it, he still had it. There was some part of him that couldn't let go, he still wouldn't, or couldn't as JJ exclaimed a week before. He almost laughed at the irony. She "couldn't" tell him the truth, so he "couldn't" stop himself from taking it.

As quickly as his body could possibly moved, he pulled a needle out and filled it to a decent amount. Still, with lingering second thoughts, he tied his arm off and pushed the needle into his arm. For a second, he stared at the extremely faded scars from his previous usages. The second thoughts came swirling back, so he pushed it to the back of his head and quickly pushed on the plunger so he could forget those thoughts and relax for the first time in what seemed to be forever.

When his climax started to subside and he could function properly, he got up off his bed and went to the bathroom. He didn't look all that bad, but he was sure he'd go back to looking like the drug addict he had years before. This time, he wouldn't be so obvious. But then again, this time he didn't want help. This was his choice, not some serial killer with three identities. From now on, he would try his best to keep his anger at bay. From now on, nobody will know him. He'll just feed them lies the same way they did to him. For now, he figured it best to get some sleep. He had work in the morning.

When Reid woke up, the first thing he thought of was shooting up again, but he needed to shower. He didn't want to attract any attention or hint to his recurring use. Maybe if he hurried he'd have time for a small hit, but definitely not enough time to get high. Even if he did, he didn't want to go into an FBI facility filled with people trained to spot that kind of behavior on the spot. It would be stupid to do. No, he would take it easy while at work. He didn't want to get caught. He didn't want to lose his job...

Spencer Reid just wanted an escape.

**A/N: This wasn't filled with much action, but I will be continuing this further. I hate writing oneshots. It seems they usually don't have much of a story. But just a heads up, this will continue weather it be five chapters or 20... the show must go on! **

**Please hand me opinions, constructive criticism, what you'd like to see, but please no flames! Thank you for reading! I anticipate your opinions!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Sorry for not updating sooner. I don't have an excuse besides playing video games a lot and being a lazy person. I was just waiting for the perfect inspiration, and after a few father/son fanvids of Gideon and Reid, I can finally say I've found enough inspiration to write on. Okay, here goes!**

**Chapter Two:**

It was about time for work when he'd finished getting ready. Upon deciding there wasn't enough time for even a small hit, he left, deciding it would have to wait until later. Reid wasn't too worried about bringing his drugs into the bureau with him, despite the obvious danger. He'd always kept the vials in his bag safely hidden away where nobody would think to look. He was a genius, geek, goody goody. Nobody other than the teem would suspect drug use by him in the least.

Reid realize he was the first of the team there, besides Hotch, of course. This made him feel a bit more comfortable. It gave him time to settle so that he wouldn't attract too much attention. It's all he got lately considering he didn't hide the fact he was the most upset about being lied to for so long. Upon starting the work day, he grabbed himself a cup of coffee and got to work. For some reason, he felt something was going to happen. It was probably just the high finally completely wearing off.

About half an hour later, the rest of the team came in individually through a span of ten minutes. Right on time, like always. They never usually came in early unless there was an urgent case to attend to. Morgan greeted him good morning, and Reid couldn't help how false his smile looked. In all honesty, he was angry with Morgan. He didn't know why, and felt guilty. Morgan hadn't done anything wrong to him, but he was just an angry person lately. Thankfully, Morgan didn't question it.

"_Looks like pretty boy forgot an extra cup of sugar this mornin'," _he thought to himself, almost laughing at the thought.

It was a paperwork kind of day. No cases, just reports and consults. Reid was glad they didn't have to go anywhere. He just wanted to go home and relax. What he really wanted all day was to just shoot up and forget everything. He made it a little past lunch before he decided to just take a small hit. After finishing one last report, he proceeded to the nearest bathroom. Reid made sure he locked the stall's door, just in case someone wanted to be nosy.

With so much anticipation, he almost took too much. The hit made him pass out long enough for Morgan to start wondering. Moments after the fifteen minute mark, he headed to the bathroom. He walked in and noticed only one stall was occupied.

"Hey pretty boy... what's taking ya so long? Eat too much spicy food last night?" He laughed. When he didn't reply, Morgan repeated his name. This time, Reid snapped his head off the stall wall.

"What?" Reid asked. Did he actually pass out? Damn. How long was he out?

"You've been in here for 'bout fifteen minutes. Just making sure you didn't fall in." Morgan joked, feeling a bit better he didn't find the kid stuck in a toilet or something.

"Yeah, I don't feel too well today. I must have dozed off a bit." It was a good lie, and he was surprised he was able to snap back into the usual routine of lying. Sure he felt bad for lying to someone who trusted him, but he couldn't help it.

"I noticed you didn't put enough sugar in your coffee." Morgan laughed. "Well, if you do fall in, I'll be out there," he said as he left the bathroom.

Reid sighed a breath of relief. He'd have to be more careful, and mentally slapped himself for being so careless to not make sure he didn't measure it to his tolerance before cleaning up before. He thought it was kind of sad he was in such a habit he still unconsciously measured the drug. Hopefully he didn't do it in his sleep, or he might overdose. He felt sick for finding it funny, but he was too high to care.

Upon giving himself one check in the mirror, he noted his eyes were a bit glossy, but it was usual as of lately. He made sure to wear a sweater, obviously. He was just his normal "self" on the outside, but inside... well... he was completely different. He was making a choice, good or bad, for himself for once, despite what others want.

After work, Morgan asked Reid to go with him to a nearby club since it was Friday after all. Morgan wanted to get Reid out to have some stress free fun. He thought it would be good for him to get out and forget about what has recently changed upon the BAU. Reid denied his offer, but Morgan badgered him about enough for him to give in and go with.

At the club, Reid opted to stay seated with his glass of soda. Morgan insisted he drank a few beers at least, but he didn't want mix it with a very strong narcotic. Besides, he wasn't much of a drinker in the first place. After an hour of trying to get Reid in the spirit, Morgan realized there was something more than just the normal daily stress of the job.

"Hey... you okay, kid?" He asked after a moment of silence. Reid had been staring off. He remembered the look on his face from some other time, but couldn't put a finger on it.

"Yeah. I'm fine. Why?" Reid was honestly fine for the moment. There was just a lot on his mind.

"For a profiler, you're a terrible liar." Morgan laughed as he sipped his beer. Reid didn't smile.

"I just have a lot going on. Besides being screwed over and lied to by two people I trusted most," Reid said as he rolled his eyes. He knew Morgan knew he was still struggling with the trust "issue". This time he wasn't lying. He actually started to not care about their lies since he decided to remove them from his life. At least for the moment.

"Well, spill it, kid," Morgan became serious. He had a feeling it wasn't just normal adult life. Reid could usually cope with anything. He took care of his schizophrenic mother since he was ten. The only time he saw Reid like this was after Tobias Hankel and after Gideon left. Both were understandable... but what happened to put him in this same position.

"I don't want to talk about it." He knew he already said too much. Suddenly, he just wish he'd gone home early and went to bed.

"C'mon, man, you think I'm just gonna let it be?" Morgan was trying to ease the tension a bit. He didn't intend to pressure Reid to talking about something he didn't want to, but curiosity got the better of him.

"Look... I don't want to talk about it here... it's kind of not the right place and not very private." Reid hoped he would just drop it. He didn't want to talk about it at all.

"Well, Monday I'll come in early and we'll talk then when nobody's there." Morgan wasn't about to give up.

"Fine," Reid surrendered. In all honesty, he hoped Morgan would forget by Monday, but he also had a feeling it wasn't going to be that easy. Well, at least he had all weekend to think about what he's going to say.

The rest of the night at the club was filled with some good laughs as Morgan became less sober on the dance floor. They finally left, Reid driving Morgan home, then heading home himself. The entire time they were there, Reid surprisingly didn't have any cravings. He figured it was because he was too preoccupied by thinking about what he'd tell Morgan, if he did remember.

Sunday came and Reid realized he was almost out of syringes. He wasn't one to reuse them. He was an addict, not a junkie. He'd have to go to the clinic and get some more before tomorrow, when the chances of leaving for a case would be most likely. Knowing he should do it now before it got too late, he set off to get some more syringes for the road. He hated getting them from fear of someone catching him.

Morgan was out to head to the store when he saw Reid out of the corner of his eye walking out of the clinic with a brown paper bag. He knew the clinic. It's where a lot of poor and homeless people went for check ups, and also where junkies got their free needle exchanges. He would remember to ask him what he would need at that form of clinic tomorrow. For some reason, he felt it was part of the "thing" he didn't want to talk about. For some reason, he had a bad feeling about this.

**A/N: Well, it's hard to write while listening to music. Sorry for any mistakes. It's like five in the morning right now and I am running on little sleep. I'm slowly falling into writer's block, although I have a general idea for the next chapter. If you have some input as to what I should add to the story next, or anything you'd like to incorporate, PM me or leave a review and I'll do my very best to meet your expectations. Thanks for reading and being so patient with me!**


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